I'm happy when...

Happy when…

I’m really happy when I’m proved right. You see, I’m right all the time. Which is to say, when it comes to certain things: who’s going to win at videogames or card games, the plot to an episode of the TV show “Monk”, and the outcome to any relationship, any relationship. Really, it’s true. I once went up to a 45 year old man and told him that his wife was going to divorce him, Two months later it happened. I don’t know how I do it. I must have some creepy druid magic lingering in my DNA from my Celtic ancestors. The ones from Ireland, not Boston. I got skills that would put Miss Cleo to shame. But, you see, No one ever believes me. Maybe it’s because I’m young, maybe it’s because I’m white, or it may even be because they just don’t want it to be true, but their has never been a time as far as I can remember that any recipient of one of my prognostications has even shown that they believed me.

What really gets me is when my prediction comes to pass and they come up to me and whine about it, saying things like “I had no idea this would happen.” When events such as these occur, I have to repress my sadistic side and console these easy to get along with, but ultimately oblivious people. I don’t know why, but sometimes that the way I act. Though, as soon as I’m done soothing these ignorant folk, I quickly run to a dark, secluded corner of the school and do my “Righteous Vindication” dance, which is somewhat like the Hokey-Pokey, only with a larger amount of butt wiggling and some bits of the Macarena thrown in for good measure. It may not be a pretty dance, but it is highly satisfying. Then I, with the taste of victory soaking in to everyone of my taste buds (victory oddly enough tastes like chicken) and tell a few of my closest friends, who give me a high five and other such congratulatory actions. Did I feel bad? No! Sure, I was sad that the person is now lonely and sad and depressed…*sniffle* I’m okay, I just need a moment… All right, I’ve got composure back… as I was saying; I feel no remorse for these people. Well, maybe just a little, but that’s far outweighed by the joy of me being right.

I’m also happy when I play my sublime CD loud enough to be heard through my entire house. I don’t do it that much, though, because I have relegated that type of celebration to only when a girl (I know that the P.C. term is women, but the way some of them act I just wouldn’t feel comfortable calling them that) I like breaks up with their current boyfriend. Remember, I have a bit of ESP when it comes to things like that, so I usually have everything set up the day of, or before if the force is unusually strong. My parents say I do a pretty good “Risky Business” impression.

Really there is only one thing that makes me happier and that’s when I finish things. Any old thing will do: Television shows, books, and videogames, even papers I write. Which is what I shall be doing now.